Dealing With Deception In Marriage
As couples, there are certain things we feel we don’t want to disclose to our spouse
because such can trouble them and we feel we don’t want them to be uncomfortable or bad and therefore, we tell lies or don’t open up when we should have. As human beings, we can find it comfortable, acceptable but it is not ok with God.
It is important and part of the cleansing that God wants to do in the home and the church which is the unit of the church. Many couples think because their spouse does not know about it so it is fine to keep it a secret forever.
In recent times, there are many forms of deceptions that have characterised Christian marriages and continues to threaten the continued existence and sustenance. Notable among them is foundational lies.
Foundational lies are lies which have existed even sometimes before marriage. Maybe before you got married, all the details you presented to your spouse, as your identities are all fake. You tell them, you are a successful businessman or work in a place that is not.
Or as a man, you conceal the fact that you have been married or divorced before entering into another marriage or relationship because you thought your present spouse might not marry you if these facts are known and laid bare while courting.
For others, the data about yourself, your CV, they’re not who you claim. And on such lies, you have built your marriage or relationship. The consequences such can bring to our lives as husband and wives can be very devastating not only for one but for friends family and associates.
Marriage is a covenant relationship as ordained by God of heaven. It is not one of those ones where society can divine, and that is why the issue of deception in marriage is an important bit. It’s not just an issue with you or your wife alone, there is God in it. When deceiving your spouse, just know that God is the other partner in it and you cannot deceive God.
Many people erroneously believe it is okay not to disclose their finance to their spouse. This is a very common challenge even among believers in the church of God.
How much they earn is kept private. The jobs undertaken to earn such income is shrouded in secrecy because some think that their spouses will go on a spending spree if they know the account balance. Many believe that will help keep the finances going but there is somebody else in the equation and that is God.
If you are a Christian and your relationship is built on a Christian foundation, then we cannot afford to conduct our relationship that way. Others may say that’s how they manage; but it is important to disclose in totality how much you’re earning and spending.
Another thing people lie, if there’s any form of insecurity, your wife or your husband has told you, i don’t want you to do this, and you cannot say I’ve done it again. Instead of saying you’ve done it again, you’ve just lied, where are you coming from, what have you done, you say something different.
When that happens, you are covering up something you know is a habit, something you do regularly. But you give the impression that nothing is happening. God is the third party and is watching the two of you. And we want to talk about what if we keep doing this, and i know your mind will go back to several things you do, that you know, you are not being open to your wife/husband. When we do this as Christians, its different compared with an unbeliever, we are Christians and therefore it makes a difference. There are consequences when such things happen.
Before we start the consequences, i will like to read a verse of the scriptures, from psalm 101 vs 7. No one who practises deceit will dwell in my house. No one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence.
So it is very clear from the scriptures we have read here is that if the pattern of our lives is to be living with each other in lies and deception. Then we cannot dwell in the presence of God.
And that is why Christian marriage is a covenant relationship and covenant cannot hold on lies and deception and therefore if we want to be in covenant with God, then we need to deceit from lying to each other.
Another consequence of living with each other in lies and deception, whenever your spouse suspects that you are lying to them, it produces insecurities and this erodes trues.
When a home becomes wobbly then it cannot stand. When there is doubt, how can the two of you sit down and pray. When the other one is not even sure what the other one is saying.
When your spouse suspects that your are lying to them, it shatters the reality of the world he or she thinks they know about you. If you say you are a,b,c and you are actually c,d,f, don’t you know he/she begins to doubt what they know about you. When you say come, they think you mean go.
So how can the two of you agree on that nature. That is why it is a serious issue. And for us as Christians, it’s very serious, it cracks the unity in a relationship. It causes cracks in the relationship which is the basis of what we say God uses to bless us.
The bible says when two of you agree, how can you agree when the two of you look at each other and you’re not sure what the other has said. That is why if a relationship is founded and maintained in deception, it is not of God, God IS not there. God is saying that is not right.
One other consequence is it cracks the unity of relationships and we know that unity is the bedrock of relationships. It helps to link us with blessings. Therefore if the unity of the relationship is not there, then your blessing is hindered.
So we can see that for all these consequences, there is none to be admired, none to crave for. Instead all the consequences that we have listed, they are detrimental to our home. That is why lies and deception in marriage is not something that should be in a Christian home. If after marriage, you realise that your spouse has given you false data about themselves and they are not who they claim
to be, what do you do?
For example, if before you got married, they had a child, and they didn’t tell you or say for instance, they have a medical problem or fertility problem and they didn’t tell you. What do you do?
If your situation is such that you started your relationship in deception as unbeliever and later you became a Christian, there is messy with God. The bible says we became new creations and old things pass away.
In fact in 2 Corinthians 5 vs. 17, one of the versions of the bible says old has gone and the new has come. What we need to do, both of us is confess to God first and then to each other. You confess your sins. You say God like when you first gave your life to Jesus, the same way you do this, so that your home is not hunted by your past especially when it’s a foundation of lies.
After confessing to God, you confess to each other, and then you ask each other for forgiveness. The same thing, even if it’s the ongoing one, you’ve claimed to be children of God, but you’re still living a life of deceit, it can be ignorance.
Probably because, you’re thinking, men these days, maybe because you’re allowing the world system to influence you because the world system is don’t tell the woman everything, don’t tell the man everything. They tell the wife not to tell the husband everything. They tell the husband not to tell the wife everything. You don’t say all that happened in your life, you shouldn’t make her unhappy by telling her that, you shouldn’t make him do this to you by telling him that.
That is the system of the world. But that is not our own system as children of God. We need to tell each other and confess to each other. The bible says in James 5 vs. 16, it says, confess one to another your fault, your sleep, your false steps, your offenses and your sins and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored with spiritual tone of mind and heart.